it is now a decent while ago that i have left the ship.
to be honest the last months on the ship are more a huge messed up picture and it's hard to pick out all the small different situations i experienced. part of it is because so much was happening at the same time. people left and we packed down the ship. 6 months went by like a blink. at the beginning of our time in singapore we were almost 300 people on board and then suddenly 33. it does something with you saying good bye to so many people. there were moments i didn't want to go down and say good bye and to be honest sometimes i did not. i guess it was part of me trying to protect myself from further pain.
now i look back and i see many lost opportunities where i could have done things better. but i also see and realize that i still have the chance to make things right. god has changed my heart in the last week in a very intense way. many things happened on the ship and so many times i messed up but i got to the point where i can accept these things and were i feel ready to ask for forgiveness. a chance is only lost when you give up on it. a friendship can still work even if you hurt each other in a painful way. there is something that connects us and this something is our love for jesus christ. many people have these stories where they were able to forgive their brothers and sister because of jesus. now its my turn to write these stories in my own personal life. and i hope you will get there to one day.
this weekend has been a huge blessing for me.
for the first time in almost 4 weeks i was able to attend a church service. i had been working the last weekends and it really damaged me. so today i had a really good day with christians. there are these days when god is just telling you over and over again that he loves you. i still feel strange and some of it is because i know the answers but i don't feel them. but one of my good friends just reminded me of a song that was so often sung on the ship "strength will raise as we wait upon the lord" and waiting does not always mean we feel all happy and all joyful. you can wait on something in pain as much as you can wait in joy. be patient friend and i tell you god won't disappoint you.
have a good night reader.
sebi
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Saturday, October 30, 2010
being creative
people who know me will know that i am an creative person.
it's nothing i had to choose, nothing i really had to learn. i just do and most of the time the result is good. i like the things i do even if i normally can't keep them for myself. if i create something i like i feel the urge to give it away. thing i hang up on my wall or place in my room usually last for a week until i find somebody to give it to. one of my latest joys is the analog photography. since i hand in the films to be developed and they get back with prints i started to hung them up on my wall.
the picture below shows my room in a rather earlier stage so for now its even "worse".
as i have some creative moments i take down the pictures i like and use them for things such as cards, letters or other random things. my latest creation is a bible cover for a friend in america.
i enjoy making things but i am also a person who need creative moments to be creative. i have a hard time doing something if i am not in the mood for it. as work in the last weeks has been anything else except inspiring so i have not been doing anything at all lately. and this is the ironic thing. i need to create things it is part of who i am. if i don't i get moody and all upset but as much as i need to be creative i also need the creative moments and if i don't get them i can't be creative. you get the problem. this is one of the reasons why i have been so painful moody in the last days. as i got some time to finish some projects yesterday and today i am more joyful than i have been in a while but still there is this nagging feeling that i need to create something that just and simply will be good.
on the ship i started to listen to mark driscoll sermons whenever i was creative. i took this habit with me home. so when i am creative it does not only mean i get time for myself but also that i get time with god.
if i am grumpy and moody all i need to do is i have to get some time alone to be creative.
have a great evening
jesus rules
it's nothing i had to choose, nothing i really had to learn. i just do and most of the time the result is good. i like the things i do even if i normally can't keep them for myself. if i create something i like i feel the urge to give it away. thing i hang up on my wall or place in my room usually last for a week until i find somebody to give it to. one of my latest joys is the analog photography. since i hand in the films to be developed and they get back with prints i started to hung them up on my wall.
the picture below shows my room in a rather earlier stage so for now its even "worse".
as i have some creative moments i take down the pictures i like and use them for things such as cards, letters or other random things. my latest creation is a bible cover for a friend in america.
i enjoy making things but i am also a person who need creative moments to be creative. i have a hard time doing something if i am not in the mood for it. as work in the last weeks has been anything else except inspiring so i have not been doing anything at all lately. and this is the ironic thing. i need to create things it is part of who i am. if i don't i get moody and all upset but as much as i need to be creative i also need the creative moments and if i don't get them i can't be creative. you get the problem. this is one of the reasons why i have been so painful moody in the last days. as i got some time to finish some projects yesterday and today i am more joyful than i have been in a while but still there is this nagging feeling that i need to create something that just and simply will be good.
on the ship i started to listen to mark driscoll sermons whenever i was creative. i took this habit with me home. so when i am creative it does not only mean i get time for myself but also that i get time with god.
if i am grumpy and moody all i need to do is i have to get some time alone to be creative.
have a great evening
jesus rules
Friday, October 29, 2010
thoughts
a father who loves his son will do everything he can to make his beloved one happy.
but how far can he go. can he create lies to make himself look better so hat his son believes his dad has what it takes? how can a broken man teach his son the most important lesson in life for a man "you have what it takes"? he can't he does not know how to.
our society has long forgotten the important values of life and how to teach the next generation what is so important for them to learn. we lack of good examples in our world today that teach simple and basic principles such as "truth" or "courage" or "love" keep adding to the list. how can someone who had never been taught that he has what it takes go on in life and do well? how can we as boys learn the most important lesson that will make us into man if we don't have man leading us this way. my father has done well raising me but there are some lessons i had to learn the hard way the way this world has started to teach its slaves. i want my kids to learn that they have what it takes. i want my sons to look up to me and see a dad that has not abandoned the important values of a life designed by god. i want my sons to learn from me that they have what it takes. i want to be a man that they want to have as a father.
oh how i long to be this man. how i want to grow and change so that one day these words will become true. i stand here and see up front and all i see is a door clouded with darkness. i don't think i have what it takes to enter...how can i believe in myself if everyday people tell me otherwise. god is there no question but god can't teach me how to handle life if i am not believing in myself.
where is the man i am supposed to be.
one day i will be a father. one day i will hold my son in my arms and i will tell him he has what it takes and i will do so as a man. a man who knows he got what it takes. and until i will become this man i will allow myself to fall into gods arms and trust that he will guide me there. i need adventure which will teach me the lessons i need to learn. i need other man to hold my hand until i will be strong enough to walk on my own. i need father figures that will teach me the big lessons. i need christians around me that show me how to deal with life. i need you dad.
god with you
sebi
but how far can he go. can he create lies to make himself look better so hat his son believes his dad has what it takes? how can a broken man teach his son the most important lesson in life for a man "you have what it takes"? he can't he does not know how to.
our society has long forgotten the important values of life and how to teach the next generation what is so important for them to learn. we lack of good examples in our world today that teach simple and basic principles such as "truth" or "courage" or "love" keep adding to the list. how can someone who had never been taught that he has what it takes go on in life and do well? how can we as boys learn the most important lesson that will make us into man if we don't have man leading us this way. my father has done well raising me but there are some lessons i had to learn the hard way the way this world has started to teach its slaves. i want my kids to learn that they have what it takes. i want my sons to look up to me and see a dad that has not abandoned the important values of a life designed by god. i want my sons to learn from me that they have what it takes. i want to be a man that they want to have as a father.
oh how i long to be this man. how i want to grow and change so that one day these words will become true. i stand here and see up front and all i see is a door clouded with darkness. i don't think i have what it takes to enter...how can i believe in myself if everyday people tell me otherwise. god is there no question but god can't teach me how to handle life if i am not believing in myself.
where is the man i am supposed to be.
one day i will be a father. one day i will hold my son in my arms and i will tell him he has what it takes and i will do so as a man. a man who knows he got what it takes. and until i will become this man i will allow myself to fall into gods arms and trust that he will guide me there. i need adventure which will teach me the lessons i need to learn. i need other man to hold my hand until i will be strong enough to walk on my own. i need father figures that will teach me the big lessons. i need christians around me that show me how to deal with life. i need you dad.
god with you
sebi
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
life
sometimes the box you open has sweets on top but later you find out you were fooled and nasty stuff is hidden underneath.
that's how i feel right now.
it is 11 past 7am and i should be at work right now. i had called up one of my colleagues and asked if he could pick me up because i still don't have a drivers license or a car (won't have both for a while) he said yes but seemed grumpy. then i stand there waiting for him and waiting and waiting. after almost 20min i decide to call my boss and tell him that i'm still waiting. he just said that this colleague was already at the company and that he just and simply said i was not there. this makes me angry. why? because i was ready and i waited and because it shows this guy does not really like me. he could have called my cell asking me where i was or something but just leave me there is rude.
i am a open person and usually i have no problems with people but here...oh this is such a different world. i miss the south or the west were people have the guts to tell you that they don't like you. here its all secretive and hidden behind a mask. a mask of lies. arg. yes i am frustrated.
another thing that sucks is that i have to pay study fees. for all non german people: study fees are kind of new in germany and you don't have to pay them everywhere. as i participate in a dual study system which means i work 3 month and study 3, and switch, the company normally covers the study fees. well that's what i was told and believed but unfortunately for me mine won't. so now i have to find a way how i can get rid of the fees or find a treasure that will enable me to pay the money.
i am angry. at whom? i don't know. i know this is where god wants me to be but i don't feel him here. seelan said there is no plan B, i'm living plan A. and i believe that, i believe i am doing just this living gods plan. but why then has it be so hard. every new start is hard ok life i get this but why so much at once. is it not enough that i have to handle the hard work?
NO it's not and i know that god is teaching me i know this but when the mind is silent the heart speaks and the heart says "THIS SUCKS"
hmm just some thoughts on my daily life here.
sebi
that's how i feel right now.
it is 11 past 7am and i should be at work right now. i had called up one of my colleagues and asked if he could pick me up because i still don't have a drivers license or a car (won't have both for a while) he said yes but seemed grumpy. then i stand there waiting for him and waiting and waiting. after almost 20min i decide to call my boss and tell him that i'm still waiting. he just said that this colleague was already at the company and that he just and simply said i was not there. this makes me angry. why? because i was ready and i waited and because it shows this guy does not really like me. he could have called my cell asking me where i was or something but just leave me there is rude.
i am a open person and usually i have no problems with people but here...oh this is such a different world. i miss the south or the west were people have the guts to tell you that they don't like you. here its all secretive and hidden behind a mask. a mask of lies. arg. yes i am frustrated.
another thing that sucks is that i have to pay study fees. for all non german people: study fees are kind of new in germany and you don't have to pay them everywhere. as i participate in a dual study system which means i work 3 month and study 3, and switch, the company normally covers the study fees. well that's what i was told and believed but unfortunately for me mine won't. so now i have to find a way how i can get rid of the fees or find a treasure that will enable me to pay the money.
i am angry. at whom? i don't know. i know this is where god wants me to be but i don't feel him here. seelan said there is no plan B, i'm living plan A. and i believe that, i believe i am doing just this living gods plan. but why then has it be so hard. every new start is hard ok life i get this but why so much at once. is it not enough that i have to handle the hard work?
NO it's not and i know that god is teaching me i know this but when the mind is silent the heart speaks and the heart says "THIS SUCKS"
hmm just some thoughts on my daily life here.
sebi
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