syrien

...

the blessing of kids

i am grown up.
i am almost 23 and i think like an adult. i talk like one, i walk like one and i behave like one (sure not always but often enough ;)
we as adults are complicated and so cought up in our problems that we so often do not see the joy of life. in my time in mosbach i had some really hard days in uni. we had some brutal lessons and it wasn't always fun. i would come home from a busy and exhausting day in uni and would find three amazing boys at the door who couldn't wait to see me again. in my time in mosbach i lived with the benselers, a family i met on board the MV Doulos. they have three adorable boys and it only took a while and i became number four. i loved being the bigger brother and playing with them. manu, the youngest one would give me a hug as soon as i openend the door. he jumped on my arms and remaind there for sometimes a really long time. we washed dishes together, did laundry, eat together and sometimes even wrote emails together.
there is nothing more amazing in the world then having a little child on your arm that tells you that it loves you and wants to play with you.

we as adults forget what life is really all about. we think we know how life works as we had many experiences and many hard years that tought us many lessons but to be honest we forget what life should be like. i always loved having manu or the others (sami and joshi) around as they showed me that life is not hard and brutal and unfair but that life is what you make out of it. sure in the mind of an adult life is unfair and hard (which it sometimes really is) but is it not us who read to much into things? arn't we the real problem here?
i love to watch little children go trough their day. i wish i could be the same. if you ask a child what it will do tomorrow it will say "i don't know" and it will be happy. if you ask a adult what he will do the next day he will give you a list of things to do and he will not be happy.

the last two days i had the blessing to be around my two little cousin's (6 and 11).
we went to the zoo together and i tell you i haven't had that much fun in a long time. i was dead as we came home but i was happy. larissa and natascha are some of the most cute and smart kids i've ever met. both have blond hair and blue eyes and their faces are sprinkled with freckles. i am proud to be the bigger cousin and even feel a bit like the bigger brother.

what i love about kids is that they are always honest about their feelings towards you. they will show you if they like you and the oposite. kids are the most honest people in the world. i was amazed to see how open and friendly they were towards me as i haven't seen them in three long years. it took them only split seconds to open up. and it only took a split second and i was in love with them ;)

this world needs children, this world needs these little humans that remind us that life can be fun. watch the kids and learn.
sebi

the easter paradox

around two thousand years ago jesus was crucified.
for us in germany as a christian country this means that we get some special holidays.
friday is a off day as it is the day were jesus was hung on the cross. it is a quiet day and it is forbidden to party. the saturday is a normal day like all the others, people go to work and all the stores are open. sunday again is a off day. first because it is a sunday and in germany these days are usualy off but also because it is the day jesus rose from the dead. monday is also a off day to remember jesus.

now here is the thing that made me think. friday is off, sunday and monday as well but why is saturday not off? people have to go to work and live life like nothing happened. and right there it hit me. two thousand years ago the same thing happened.

----
it is friday and jesus is about to be crucified. his disciples are shocked and furious. they watch him put to death and they don't understand. wasn't he surposed to safe them? how does this work?
i'm sure there world collapsed that day. they all put their hopes on to jesus and hoped to be safed and then he just dies. no big fireworks, no voice from heaven, no angels who would lead the fight against the evil romans, no big BANG, nothing.
if i would have been one of the diciples i am sure i would have been crushed. i am a really emotional person and i am somebody who is really HAPPY one moment and super SAD the next one. i would have been crushed that day.

so what happenes next? jesus is dead and it is saturday. the deciples went to bed and woke up again and nothing has changed jesus is still dead and their world is still fallen to peaces. so what happenes? they just move on, they all just move on. it is a day like no other. people go to work and pretend like nothing had happened. sure not for all of them but for most of them. some of the deciples even go back to their work.

and then sunday comes. and jesus rose from the dead. joy and laughter is in the air. now all makes sense.

----

back to the present. each year we celebrate easter to remember jesus death on the cross and each year we celebrate it exactly as it happened. their is good friday a day where we all are shocked and remember what jesus did for us on the cross. then their is sutaurday where life goes back to normal and then their is sunday when we celebrate the resurrection of jesus.

-easter thoughts-
sebi

family time

after my brother left essen back in 07 to move to munich it has been always hard to get together as the entire family. but this easter it worked out.
i awoke this morning with my mum telling me to get up. as soon as she called me i knew that dodi had arrived. it has been at least half a year that i saw him. the last time we jumped out of a airplane at our birthdays.

having him around is amazing. we went for a nice longboard ride today and i was able to tech him how to slide. i was amazed to see how easy he picked it up.

Dodi sliding a nice curve...


...and me sliding the same



after beni had finished his shift we picked him up and went for another longboard ride but this time with all four of us. so here we were dodi, beni, esther and me having fun. i have to say we are the only siblings i know of that share the same hobbies such as longboarding.


the DUKAT CLAN

we had a great time and some funny moments. gladly we all survided even if we had some dangerous situations such as this one ;)



maybe i should mention that dodi was behind the camera.

it is amazing to have the whole family together. spending time with my big brother is something very special these days. i am glad that we all understand each other so well. we had some rough times as siblings but we all got to a point where we love each other so much that all the differences don't care anymore.

today was a good day and i am glad that i am here in essen right now.
i wish you all a blessed easter.
sebi

and again two weeks have passed

i now look back to the past two weeks i am really surprised to see how much has happened. i moved back to essen and started work two days after i got here. i had no idea where i would work until i came to essen and two days after got here i was offered a job at an institution where i had worked a year before. i happily accepted and started work the next day. i originally had planned to use the first week for sleep ins but that idea did not work out and now i find myself again working a job where i have to get up before sunrise. i like my job. i work in a small café that is run by a institution for mentaly challenged people who have a drug addiction. i love working with the people and they give me so much. if i had a bad day at home these people just make me happy again. i sometimes ask myself if i help them or if it is not them helping me.

it is now a while ago that i decided to quite my studies. i always sad that i would not quite until i know whats next. well i thought i would know the next step but matter of fact i still have no clue what comes next. i applied for some jobs and i am still waiting for answer's. one of them would be for H&M which is not my first option but it would be a good experience. another one would be for lufthansa. i applied for a job as a stuard and first was rejected but now was offered a different location as a home base. we will see what will happen with this. well and i also worked on a portfolio for an arts program. i am really happy with the portfolio even if i know that my chances are not that good to get in. my original idea to start deaf studies this winter is also another thing that i am looking at.

as you can see my future is somewhat a HUGE mistery and to be honest i am not sure if having so many different things running at the same time is such a smart idea. but sorry to say that, this is just who i am. i am not somebody who makes planes. thats what i tried over the past months. i am somebody who just lives life as it comes. so i have no idea what will happen in the next weeks/months or even years. do i have a future plan? sure i do but it is not that complex. i wane serve god where ever he needs me and in what ever job he needs me in. does this mean i will have to study something specific and start working a normal job? maybe but it could also mean that i just take whatever job comes along. i am not that stressed out anymore about my future. i kind of don't care a whole lot about it in the moment. i tried to creat my perfect future and i set up a perfect plan and believe me or not but i took control of my life and that was a huge mistake. well maybe not that huge but it went wrong. i allowed myself to take over at the helm (ships term for stearing wheel). you know if you think you can run your life as it pleases you, i tell you it won't really work. god is in control of your life if you want it or not. i even feel a bit like jonah who ran away from god. god told him to do something and he didn't listen. instead he ran away. god never told me what to do next but i also never really asked him about his opinion. sure i prayed but did i really care so much about his plans for my life or was it more me dreaming about a glorious and beautiful future with an amazing job and an amazing wife and kids? not asking for his help is the same thing as runing away from god. and here i am. god took these dreams from me and in some ways i would even say he freed me from them. you know back on the ship i tought myself how to pray for others i even got to the point that i wrote prayer books for some people. but i never learned how to pray for myself. it goes like this: do you believe that god loves your friends? sure you do. but do you also believe that he loves you? i struggle believeing that he loves me for who i am but thats not unnormal if we are honest with ourselfs. it is easy for me to pray for others because i KNOW that god loves them but it is hard to pray for myself because i struggle to believe that he loves me.

that i do not believe that i am loved by the one who created me is a core issue in my life in the moment. i controls my every move. every decision i make is based on my faith but if my faith is not fully developed in the moment how can i take the right decisions? i believe in god, i believe in jesus i believe in the miracles he did in my life but i struggle to accept that i am loved even if my life is a huge mess right now. you know it is easy to believe that your parents love you if you do what they tell you to do. for example: your mum tells you to clean up your room and you do it. she comes in smiles at you and tells you that she loves you. now, same situation but this time you did not clean up your room instead you created a huge mess (maybe not even on purpose), your mum comes in smiles at you and tells you that she loves you. in which situation would you rather believe your mum? sure the first one and you know why? because you think that you deserve the love, that you earned it. and that is the "problem" with gods love. we can't earn his love and we certainly do not deserve it. gods love for us is such a waste. he should not love us but he does. his loves is against our human understanding. if i do not deserve love why the heck do i get it then? this is not fair and not right. as a brother of three other kids in our family, life was not always easy. all these fights about who gets to stay up late or who gets to sit in front of the car or who gets to bring the mail to the post station. i remember beating up my little brother and i mean really beating him up because he wanted to bring the mail to the station as much as i did (kids, argue and fight about the most ridiculous things). well today i looked him into the eyes and told him that i am sorry for beating him up back then. he started to laugh and told me that he could not remember that this happened. a second later he apologized for punching me in the face in a different situation which i could not remember (i guess he punched really hard). and there we stood in the kitchen hugging each other for something we did as little kids. well i have to be honest and say that i was scared that he would remember this day when i did beat him up and that he would plan a revenge (he is now almost two heads taller then i am and even a little stronger but psssst).

coming back to god and his love for us. you see in my mind i knew that i did something wrong with punching my little brother. and even now more then 15 years later i still remember the day and the horrible feeling i had after fighting my little brother for something so stupid such as a letter. but god is different. he does not remember the sins i did in my past if i ask him for forgivenenes and repent. god does not hold these things against us after we asked for his grace and love. he will never open a box and point out the things we did wrong just to make us feel bad. we all know these moments: you get into a fight with your brother, sister or best friend and suddenly they pull out some stupid thing you did way back in time. these moments hurt. they hurt because it show's us that even if we asked for forgineness the other person still holds this against us. god is different he will never do such a thing.

and that is the core issue. we will never understand what jesus really did for us. we will never be able to rap our minds around what really happened, because we are human and we think like humans, act like humans and forgive like humans. god is so much bigger then you are/then i am.

we need to learn to forgive like god does. we need to learn to love like god does. we need to understand that we will not be able to understand. we need to be more like jesus.
good night and happy easter
sebi

friendships

friendships come and friendships go.
sometimes we don't even recognize that we made new friends and suddenly you find yourself surrounded by new people that you call friends. and sometimes you have to realize that some friendships have moved on.

but what hurts the most, the one thing that feels like someone has ripped out your heart just in front of you is to loose your best friend. sometimes we have to face difficult decisions or life itself takes people away from us. either way loosing your best friend is one of the worst things that could happen to anyone of us. we all love our friendships. for us as singles these friendships mean the world to us and it is the one thing that keeps us going in life. to loose one of these friends is like hitting a wall in hight speed with no seatbelt on. it takes all your energy it turnes a sunny beautiful day into a dark nightmare. it can steal you joy, your peace, your motivation to do anything at all. even your body reacts to it. you feel sick, powerless, weak. stomach cramps and the feeling of throwing up become your dark passanger. it feels like loosing part of your personality. our friends are the people that build us up, that teach us that show us the good and the bad. our friends are our teachers. our friends are our soundingboards. nobody wants to loose this. but sometimes we have to let go. sometimes we need to move on. sometimes we need to face the hard and cold reality of life and need to let go. sometimes we need to let our hearts be ripped out. sometimes we need to be in incredible pain. sometimes we have to loose all our joy all our trust.

sometimes we have to loose our best friends...and then we realize that the only best friend in our lifes is jesus christ. the only person, the only friendship, the only relationship that will never change, that will never fail is the one we have with jesus christ. his love for us never fails.

i love my best friend.
sebi

when time stands still and the world keeps turning

everything around me is turning faster than i think it would. i try to grap what's in front of me but before i even get a good grip of it, it is already gone.
do you know this feeling?

that's how i felt the last month's. i felt like time stood still for me and only for me. the world around me kept moving in high speed but i stood still. something like standing in front of a train that is passing in fullspeed and your trying to get on (please don't try this it might hurt). my life has been a really hard challenge for the last let's say 8 month's. i have kept fighting for something that seemed right but now looking back i see it was the wrong thing. i had some rough times with god and not all of my friendships made it trough this hard time. but i still believe that i did not wasted my time. heck no. i learned so many lessons and i am so thankful for each one of them. i am thankful for all the new friends i made and for all the things i learned about myself.

a miracle happened, i am back on the train and life is back to normal again. it feel's amazing and i am so happy that somehow i managed to jump back on the train.
this is a new start, a new beginning, a new me ;)

i'm exited about what's next are you?
blessings
sebi

life is good

I'm sitting in the uni right now and i'm listening to a mr. Hess.
I arrived back in mosbach on sunday afternoon after a month working in my company.
The time in hankensbuettel has been good and a lot happened.
after a long time of struggling with my studies i have come to the decision to quit my studies.
It wasn't a easy decision but i have total peace about it and it was the right thing to do.

I'm in mosbach in the moment to arange the final things with the uni and to spent the last days with my awesome study mates. I am truly thankful for all the new friends i have made in my time being here. I will miss you guys a lot and i'm sorry for leaving you all. Thanks for your friendships and your help. JAn i will miss your character and your listening ear. Flo and daniel i thank you for your patience with me and for all the fun we had studying math, physic and all the other hardcore stuff. Kai i think your awesome and you have an amazing style (i'm still interested in that jumper dude). At all the guys that share the passion for HIMYM: life is gone be LEGEN, wait for it DARY. I thank you all for your acceptence and for alowing me to lead this class for the past 3 months. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

So now whats next?
I have some ideas but i think it is to soon to post it here. I need your prayers for guidence and for the right focus. I will let you guys know what will happen next as soon as i know more details but it will be totally different thats for sure.

Ok i think it is time to listen to the prof one last time.
God bless you all
love sebi