i now look back to the past two weeks i am really surprised to see how much has happened. i moved back to essen and started work two days after i got here. i had no idea where i would work until i came to essen and two days after got here i was offered a job at an institution where i had worked a year before. i happily accepted and started work the next day. i originally had planned to use the first week for sleep ins but that idea did not work out and now i find myself again working a job where i have to get up before sunrise. i like my job. i work in a small café that is run by a institution for mentaly challenged people who have a drug addiction. i love working with the people and they give me so much. if i had a bad day at home these people just make me happy again. i sometimes ask myself if i help them or if it is not them helping me.
it is now a while ago that i decided to quite my studies. i always sad that i would not quite until i know whats next. well i thought i would know the next step but matter of fact i still have no clue what comes next. i applied for some jobs and i am still waiting for answer's. one of them would be for H&M which is not my first option but it would be a good experience. another one would be for lufthansa. i applied for a job as a stuard and first was rejected but now was offered a different location as a home base. we will see what will happen with this. well and i also worked on a portfolio for an arts program. i am really happy with the portfolio even if i know that my chances are not that good to get in. my original idea to start deaf studies this winter is also another thing that i am looking at.
as you can see my future is somewhat a HUGE mistery and to be honest i am not sure if having so many different things running at the same time is such a smart idea. but sorry to say that, this is just who i am. i am not somebody who makes planes. thats what i tried over the past months. i am somebody who just lives life as it comes. so i have no idea what will happen in the next weeks/months or even years. do i have a future plan? sure i do but it is not that complex. i wane serve god where ever he needs me and in what ever job he needs me in. does this mean i will have to study something specific and start working a normal job? maybe but it could also mean that i just take whatever job comes along. i am not that stressed out anymore about my future. i kind of don't care a whole lot about it in the moment. i tried to creat my perfect future and i set up a perfect plan and believe me or not but i took control of my life and that was a huge mistake. well maybe not that huge but it went wrong. i allowed myself to take over at the helm (ships term for stearing wheel). you know if you think you can run your life as it pleases you, i tell you it won't really work. god is in control of your life if you want it or not. i even feel a bit like jonah who ran away from god. god told him to do something and he didn't listen. instead he ran away. god never told me what to do next but i also never really asked him about his opinion. sure i prayed but did i really care so much about his plans for my life or was it more me dreaming about a glorious and beautiful future with an amazing job and an amazing wife and kids? not asking for his help is the same thing as runing away from god. and here i am. god took these dreams from me and in some ways i would even say he freed me from them. you know back on the ship i tought myself how to pray for others i even got to the point that i wrote prayer books for some people. but i never learned how to pray for myself. it goes like this: do you believe that god loves your friends? sure you do. but do you also believe that he loves you? i struggle believeing that he loves me for who i am but thats not unnormal if we are honest with ourselfs. it is easy for me to pray for others because i KNOW that god loves them but it is hard to pray for myself because i struggle to believe that he loves me.
that i do not believe that i am loved by the one who created me is a core issue in my life in the moment. i controls my every move. every decision i make is based on my faith but if my faith is not fully developed in the moment how can i take the right decisions? i believe in god, i believe in jesus i believe in the miracles he did in my life but i struggle to accept that i am loved even if my life is a huge mess right now. you know it is easy to believe that your parents love you if you do what they tell you to do. for example: your mum tells you to clean up your room and you do it. she comes in smiles at you and tells you that she loves you. now, same situation but this time you did not clean up your room instead you created a huge mess (maybe not even on purpose), your mum comes in smiles at you and tells you that she loves you. in which situation would you rather believe your mum? sure the first one and you know why? because you think that you deserve the love, that you earned it. and that is the "problem" with gods love. we can't earn his love and we certainly do not deserve it. gods love for us is such a waste. he should not love us but he does. his loves is against our human understanding. if i do not deserve love why the heck do i get it then? this is not fair and not right. as a brother of three other kids in our family, life was not always easy. all these fights about who gets to stay up late or who gets to sit in front of the car or who gets to bring the mail to the post station. i remember beating up my little brother and i mean really beating him up because he wanted to bring the mail to the station as much as i did (kids, argue and fight about the most ridiculous things). well today i looked him into the eyes and told him that i am sorry for beating him up back then. he started to laugh and told me that he could not remember that this happened. a second later he apologized for punching me in the face in a different situation which i could not remember (i guess he punched really hard). and there we stood in the kitchen hugging each other for something we did as little kids. well i have to be honest and say that i was scared that he would remember this day when i did beat him up and that he would plan a revenge (he is now almost two heads taller then i am and even a little stronger but psssst).
coming back to god and his love for us. you see in my mind i knew that i did something wrong with punching my little brother. and even now more then 15 years later i still remember the day and the horrible feeling i had after fighting my little brother for something so stupid such as a letter. but god is different. he does not remember the sins i did in my past if i ask him for forgivenenes and repent. god does not hold these things against us after we asked for his grace and love. he will never open a box and point out the things we did wrong just to make us feel bad. we all know these moments: you get into a fight with your brother, sister or best friend and suddenly they pull out some stupid thing you did way back in time. these moments hurt. they hurt because it show's us that even if we asked for forgineness the other person still holds this against us. god is different he will never do such a thing.
and that is the core issue. we will never understand what jesus really did for us. we will never be able to rap our minds around what really happened, because we are human and we think like humans, act like humans and forgive like humans. god is so much bigger then you are/then i am.
we need to learn to forgive like god does. we need to learn to love like god does. we need to understand that we will not be able to understand. we need to be more like jesus.
good night and happy easter
sebi
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