back to the roots

i am a very open person.
let me rephrase this: i was a very open person.

as i came back from the ship i told myself that me being so open is not really the way it should be. i told myself that i should change, that i shouldn't share so much with people. i told myself that i would "train" myself from sharing everything with everyone to sharing only the important things with some people.
slowly i started to close down and i became more aware of what i say and with whom i share things. slowly i allowed myself to change.

now here i am. i am someone i never was before, i struggle to open up with people.
isn't this funny? first i shared everything and now i struggle to open up.
i wane go back to where i came from, i wane be more open again.
i started to fear that people would not be interested in what i share. i started to think too much and i started not to talk about the things that lay on my heart.
i blame some of it on the practical phase i had in my studies as it was a really hard time and i was challenged in many ways. but most of it comes from me thinking i should change.

god has given me an amazing gift. he made me a open and joy full person. usually i am someone who smiles a lot, who laughs and does not care what others think. usually i am a "sunshine" person. people would come up to me and tell me they see gods love in who i am. this has stopped. i became a closed and in some ways bitter person. i have allowed myself to fight against the gift i was given. ok granted i was to open in some ways but i went from one extreme to the other. i acknowledge gods gift in my life and i wane be who he made me. a wise man recently told me that someone who has found himself in god will be "happy" always. someone who has found himself in god will have perfect peace. i wane be this person. i wane stand up and stop being scared of things i usually aren't. i wane be me again. i wane be sebastian dukat and not a shadow of myself. i wane be confident in what i study in the life i live in the friends i have in the things i share. i wane be someone people trust someone they value someone they like and love. i wane be gods son.

i have stopped to share things, i have stopped to talk.
i have stopped to talk with god. i have failed him.

but here i am with a new heart. here i am knowing that i am a sinful man.
here i am bagging for a new start with my personal saviour jesus christ.
here i am ready to discover myslef in him.
here i am ready to live again.

sebi